RETIRING? SIX EASY STEPS TO FOSTER EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE IN RETIREMENT

“Don’t trust anyone over 30!” This was one of the battle cries of the “Baby Boomer” generation during the 1960’s. It is sobering to realize that these same people have reached or will soon reach the age of retirement. While the media is saturated with information and recommendations for the baby boomers regarding the need for an adequate retirement income, little or no thought is given to the emotional needs and challenges of the retiree. This is unfortunate as there certainly are many stressors related to retirement.

Consider the following vignette: Several years ago my brother-in-law and I were watching a group of children playing together at a neighborhood birthday party. At one point he pointed to one particular child and said, “That child needs treatment.” I was bewildered. At that time I had been a practicing psychologist for almost 25 years and I had known that child for many years; yet I had never been cognizant of any emotional issues. Furthermore, my brother-in-law is not a mental health professional. What was he noticing in a brief observation that I had not discerned over the years? Finally, with some trepidation and embarrassment I asked what he had seen. “Look at that overbite!” he exclaimed. My brother-in-law is an orthodontist! We were watching the same child but from our respective professional perspectives!

Yes, our jobs and professions not only help us define how we view ourselves, but to a large extent they can affect the way we view the world. It is, therefore, understandable that retiring can lead to an emotional upheaval, resulting in a loss of self-esteem and a depletion in one’s sense of purpose.

In 1996, Fortune Magazine published an article about Lee Iococca, the man who brought Chrysler back from the brink of bankruptcy in the 1980’s. He had retired for about three years, but then returned to work. He stated that his three years of retirement were more stressful than his 47 years in the auto business. He said that he missed his old friends and the structure of his job. In that article he wrote, “You can plan everything in life and then the roof caves in on you because you haven’t done enough thinking about who you are and what you should do with the rest of your life.”

Examples of retirement stressors are many. For example, after one retires, one may begin to miss the work-place challenges, and the camaraderie that was shared with co-workers. The relationship between spouses can deteriorate. For example, if a retiree was an administrator at work, he/she might now decide to exercise his/ her administrative authority in the home. If a retiree is not engaged in fulfilling activities, the lack of meaning in his/ her life can lead to boredom and depression.

Most important, one might feel distressed facing the fleeting nature of time. Most of us go through life rarely considering our mortality, and we conduct our lives as if we have an unlimited amount of time for living. Retirement represents a hard to ignore wake up call for the retiree that he/ she is in the final stage of life.

So, what can one do to foster emotional resilience in retirement? Here are six steps that can assist us in this endeavor:

Recognize that retirement has its own set of challenges. The first step in dealing with any problem is to recognize it and define it. Conduct an honest assessment of your retirement stressors and acknowledge them. Once this is done you can strategize and develop a plan to address them.

Evaluate your life up to the present, and explore what you would have liked to do, but did not. Consider what prevented you from engaging in these activities. Can you do them now? What has to be accomplished in order to initiate the process?

Take the time to face the fact that life is transient. Life can be so much richer if we accept this hard cold fact and focus on the things in life that are truly important rather than waste time and energy obsessing over silly concerns. Warren Zevon was interviewed on the Late Show with David Letterman following his having been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Letterman asked Zevon if there was anything he understood now, facing his own mortality, that he didn’t before. Zevon replied, “Just how much you’re supposed to enjoy every sandwich.”

Increase your sense of gratitude by taking the time to acknowledge all of the good things in your life. Research has shown that making an effort to actively appreciate all of our blessings, the minor ones as well as the major ones, is strongly correlated with a sense of optimism, satisfaction, and contentment.

Resolve to: live a life of self-compassion and dispute your self-limiting beliefs, laugh more, and live life in a mindful manner.

Eat well and exercise as appropriate. A healthy diet and physical exercise are essential for a sense of well-being.

The retirement years can be the best years of our lives. Use the above six steps as guideposts to find fulfillment and meaning.

FINALLY UNDERSTANDING: How being the son of a Holocaust survivor shaped my life

“Maybe you can explain it to me. How could the people of a civilized nation like Germany
become such murderers? How could Hitler have been so cruel?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Aren’t you studying psychology in college?”

“I am.”

“So how could you not know? If you don’t know, who will? You’re studying psychology.”

I was a sophomore in college. My mind scanned the psychology courses I had already taken: Introduction to Psychology, Child Psychology, and the Psychology of Adolescence. As far as I could recall I had not yet come across a satisfying answer to his questions. I did not like these discussions. I felt uncomfortable and inadequate; it was distressing for me to talk about the Holocaust with my father.

It was Saturday morning….about 8:45 AM. My father and I were on our way to synagogue. Walking. We were Orthodox Jews which meant we did not use a car on the Sabbath. My father insisted on being on time. No, actually he wanted to be early for services. I was a good boy; nineteen years old, but a good boy. I took it upon myself to make sure that I was ready when he left so that I could go with him. It was a rather long walk, almost a mile. So we walked together in the heat of the summer and the cold of the winter; however, I was not particularly fond of long discussions early in the morning…….certainly not about the Holocaust.

My father was a “survivor”. He had gone through the concentration camps. He suffered indignities that few of us could even imagine. Through the years he had shared some of the details of some of his experiences with me. It was painful hearing how he suffered and how his family was murdered. Only one brother and he survived from a large family. Parents, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, in-laws, uncles, and aunts all gone..…and not even a grave to mark that they had ever lived. I did not blame him for broaching this topic as often as he did, but I did not feel like trying to answer his difficult questions.

My father, was a sewing machine mechanic. He made a very decent salary, was well known and respected in his field, and he always worked hard to provide for his family: my mother, my younger brother, and me. “Worked hard”….that is an understatement. I cannot remember him taking even one day off for sickness or inclement weather. His commute from Newark, New Jersey to Manhattan involved a bus, a subway, and a significant walk. He left the house at 7:00 AM and often did not return home until 7:00 PM. Having grown up in poverty in Eastern Europe, he wanted us to be comfortable and have everything that we needed. Furthermore, it was important to him that we remain observant Jews. Consequently, he and my mother denied themselves luxuries so that my brother and I could attend yeshiva day school and high school.

“I did not have the opportunity for college. I am glad that you are going. You will be able to make a good living. I wish I had gone to college; I would be earning so much more money.”

It was 1969. I was a child of the ’60’s and the idea of money being a key to happiness was almost an anathema to my generation.

“You know, money is not the most important thing in life.”

“Oh, no? If you are short a nickel, do you think they’ll let you on the subway?”

Our conversation was right on schedule. So typical of those we had on the way to synagogue. Next up was the war in Vietnam, politics, the difference in the quality of the music of his generation compared to the music of mine, and finally long hair. I did not mind defending the views of my generation, but I just listened whenever he spoke about the misery of the concentration camps and opportunities he had missed in life. In these instances I was so relieved when we finally got to the synagogue.

I guess, in retrospect, I was already playing the role of psychologist by being a good listener; however, at times like these I found myself thinking that perhaps I should never have told my family that I had decided to study psychology. My parents were not exactly cryptic in voicing their hope that I would become a doctor. Of course their intention was for me to become a medical doctor: a healer, a high income earner, and the high priest of society in those days.

There was only one problem with my studying medicine. I could not stand the sight of blood. Even talking about medical conditions could make me extremely squeamish. When I thought about physical injuries in enough detail, I could feel myself getting light-headed and panicky. These traits do not bode well for a person planning to make medicine one’s vocation.

Early in my career I assumed that the dynamic behind my decision to study psychology was the realization that I could be a doctor and hopefully a source of pride for my parents, without worrying about blood and guts. Of course a PhD was not a “real” doctor, but years later I think my parents derived some pleasure in the instances they referred to me as “doctor.” Outsiders did not have to know of my “shortcoming”…….that I was not a medical doctor.

It is now 2017, and I love my profession. My father, who unfortunately passed away in 2008 at the age of 96, spoke about the Holocaust until the end of his life. I now understand that he suffered a horrible trauma and nothing I could have said would have erased his painful memories. Nor could I supply any cogent or reasonable response as to how something as heinous as the mass murder and torture of six million innocent people by the government of a civilized country, while the world remained silent, could have transpired. As an adult I now know that there simply are no answers to these questions. More important, I recognize that my discomfort during those walks to synagogue, all those years ago, originated from feelings of helplessness and impotence to make everything okay for my father….something that I desperately wanted to do.

Nevertheless, I now understand that my career choice of psychologist was not just a means to be a doctor sans the medical component. I finally understand that as a son and a skillful psychologist I was able to do something that no other professional, not even a medical doctor would have been trained to do. I now know that my sympathetic ear, empathy, and words of validation through the years were palliative. I may not have been able to take away my father’s pain, but I was always there to share it with him. For this I am grateful.

FROM MOPING TO COPING: HOW HUMOR CAN HELP

One of the best feelings in the world is a good laugh. Yet many of us do not avail ourselves to this free pleasure as often as we can. The health value of laughter has been well-documented. Laughter boosts the immune system and thereby helps the body’s ability to fight infections and tumors. Laughter causes stress hormones to plummet. Laughter enhances the flow of blood and may therefore speed healing, reduce inflammation, and stimulate alertness. William Fry, a psychiatrist, wrote that laughing one hundred times a day is like doing ten minutes of rowing. Laughter has been referred to as “internal jogging.”

If you are still not convinced of the health value of laughter look at some of the famous comedians of the 20th Century:

  • George Burns (“Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples”) lived to be 100.
  • Bob Hope (“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”) lived to be 100.
  • Milton Berle (“I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.”) died at the age of 92.
  • Groucho Marx (“I’d never belong to a club that would have me as a member.”) died a few months shy of 87.
  • …and Henny Youngman (“I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”) died at the age of 92.

We can reap the ultimate rewards of humor when we have the courage to laugh at our own frailties. Once we learn to laugh at ourselves, we no longer need to be perfect. Let’s face it: The need to be perfect is sooooooo draining.

Although humor might help us feel better, it cannot change the situations in our life that cause us physical and emotional pain; however, humor does give us the ability to view our circumstances from a different perspective and thereby minimize our suffering. It gives us power in a situation in which we would otherwise be powerless and it can help us transcend our situation by helping us gain a new point of view.

Keep your eyes open for humor in unlikely places. For example, has the receptionist or nurse in a doctors’ office ever greeted you by asking, “How are you?” Is that not a silly question? Why are you there, for a golf lesson? Even stranger, inevitably, we find ourselves responding, ” Fine, how are you?”

Try to see the humorous irony that often manifests itself in everyday life. Did you know that Charlie Chaplin once entered a “Charlie Chaplin Look Alike Contest” and came in third?!!!

Try to stop worrying about silly things. Leo Buscalia, an educator, once wrote that 95% of the things we worry about never happen. Unfortunately, the only people who really believe this in their heart are those who own insurance companies; that is why they are so wealthy.

When you see a funny comic or joke, cut it out and put it in a “Humor Scrapbook.” Share your joke/ comic collection with friends or re-read your scrapbook when you need a good laugh.

Research has shown that even the act of smiling can help improve our mood. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov may have already known this over two hundred years ago when he wrote, “If you have nothing to smile about, put a smile on your face, and God will give you every reason to smile.”

In the words of Mother Theresa: “Smile at each other, smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other — it doesn’t matter who it is — and that will help you to grow up in greater love for each other.”

But remember what George Carlin said: “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

Help—I Hate My Job And It Is Already Sunday Night

Help—I Hate My Job
And It Is Already Sunday Night

By: Joel Verstaendig, Ph.D.

It’s Sunday evening and the sun is starting to set. It was a pleasant day, nevertheless, the general sense of well-being that seemed so pervasive a few hours earlier is beginning to diminish. A vague, gnawing feeling slowly manifests itself. With the passing of each moment, this indistinct sensation gradually takes form and suddenly the harsh realization strikes: “Oh no! The weekend is just about over!” A series of recriminations runs through your mind. You find yourself lamenting, “Where did the time go? It seems like only minutes ago it was Friday afternoon. I hardly had any fun.” Then finally all these thoughts coalesce into one stark epiphany: “I really hate my job!!!”

Why do so many people harbor such negative feelings about their job and become so despondent on Sunday evening? There can be many reasons for job dissatisfaction; some of the more common ones include, job related boredom, job related stress, poor pay, an authoritarian boss, or nasty co-workers.

When a job seems too boring, we have to wonder whether we are in some way holding ourselves back. Is it possible that we are ignoring opportunities for undertaking more responsibilities because we are afraid of taking a risk? There are people who might have an opportunity to advance in their profession, but avoid doing so for fear of failure. It might be useful for such a person to explore the origin of this fear and determine whether it is realistic. Are you relegating yourself to a particular career only because someone once told you that you could never succeed at the type of job that would satisfy your needs? What could be sadder than someday admitting to yourself that you never having had the opportunity to engage in the type of work that would have resonated with your soul? Ask yourself if additional education would help you qualify for the type of work that would enhance your life satisfaction? As Thomas Edison once said, “We often miss opportunity because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

On the other hand, is it possible that you are dissatisfied with your job because you are minimizing the importance of what you do? A few years ago I was working with a client who had suffered from psychotic episodes. At times his condition necessitated psychiatric hospitalizations to insure his safety and that of others. Finally at one point he was doing quite well. The treatment team at our clinic offered him an opportunity to earn money by working part-time in a porter-maintenance program. Initially he was thrilled, however, a couple of weeks later he informed me that he had decided to quit. He lamented the fact that all he was doing was sweeping and moping floors in the same psychiatric hospital where he had been a patient. I commented to him that he was doing a great service to the patients who were still too ill to leave the hospital. His efforts were enabling them to live in a clean environment. This reframing of his task had a significant impact on him and he decided to keep his job. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “No work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.”

When a job seems too stressful we should consider the possibility that our expectations of ourselves are unrealistic. Are we trying to do too much? Do we expect ourselves to be perfect? Do we mistakenly believe that there is no margin for making even the smallest mistake? It is essential to set practical expectations; trying to be perfect leaves no room for error and leads to stress. If you do make an error, and no one seems to be as upset as you, learn to practice “self-compassion” which simply defined, means to be as forgiving towards yourself as you would be to others.

When dealing with a boss or colleague who seems unreasonable, sometimes learning a few basic assertiveness skills can make a tremendous difference in the way you respond. Everyone can learn to be assertive without being aggressive. Furthermore, practicing assertive skills will also enhance one’s self-esteem.

That being said, one must also keep in mind that in today’s economy, changing jobs can be difficult and it is understandable that one would be reluctant to give up a secure job no matter how disagreeable it might be. For those of us who are stuck in jobs, where the pay is low but the work load is high, there are ways to minimize the “Sunday Evening Blues.” Finding ways to enjoy one’s free time is essential. Make an effort to develop hobbies and interests that will allow you to enjoy the rich potential of life. By the same token, learn to enjoy the simple things in life. Try to maintain an awareness of pleasures that are ubiquitous but ignored. For example, when you get into bed after a difficult day, do you take delight in the pleasurable sensations of your snuggly bed, fluffy pillow and cozy covers? Do you focus on these sensations or on the acrimony you experienced at work?

Make an effort to enjoy every moment with your loved ones taking nothing for granted. Try to experience the world with the same sense of wonder as a child. A gratitude inventory will help you remember all the things for which you should feel fortunate and grateful. Do not walk though life with closed eyes and ears. Experience the world with all of your senses. When all is said and done, trying some of the suggestions above may help make your job more tolerable. Keep things in prospective and try to anticipate the week with renewed energy.

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE

When I was a young adolescent, my family spent Sundays and vacations at Bradley Beach, a small seaside town in New Jersey. This was a remarkable place as it attracted many teenagers who were just beginning got feel the pleasures of independence from full parental authority. The future seemed endless and we felt immortal. There were also many senior citizens there who came to enjoy the ocean air and cool breezes of a beach resort.

One evening a group of us teens were walking down the boardwalk, savoring our erroneous sense of omnipotence. Sitting in a gazebo nearby were a group of elderly people singing the songs of their youth. It struck us teenagers as so silly. We were cool. Our heroes were the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Here were people singing “really old songs.” We laughed and mocked them. One woman leered at us, and said in a strong loud voice, “Just wait. You’ll be old someday too!” To this day I remember this incident. I felt like I had been cursed. I was so sorry to have hurt someone’s feelings.

Let’s face it, aging is frightening because the older we get, the harder it is to deny our mortality. Even if we accept our mortality on an intellectual level, more often than not, we continue to deny it on an emotional level. If were totally honest with ourselves each of us would have to admit that a part of us harbors the notion on some level, “I am different; I am special. Dying is for others, but does not apply to me.” Or we me mistakenly think, ‘I know that eventually my end will come, but day is a long way off.” The cold truth is that no one knows when his or her end will come.

Sometimes we try to master our fear of death my joking about it. A friend recently told me that he wishes he knew where he would die. “Why do you want to know where you’ll die?” I asked. “I just won’t go there!” he replied.

One result of this false sense of an endless life is that we squander so much of our precious time. How often have we wasted countless hours worrying about things that have no lasting importance? How often have we bickered with a loved one about something that seemed so important at the time but really was not? Have you ever attended a funeral and as a result feel motivated to make changes in your life before it is too late, only to fall back into old patterns soon after. If we truly accept that our time is finite, we would not waste so much of it worrying about things that are, in a larger sense, truly inconsequential. The quality of our life would be richer.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the noted death researcher, wrote that those who die the best are the ones who lived the best. That is, those who live their lives fully are less tormented when their time to die arrives. Kubler-Ross points out that no one on their death bed has ever thought to themselves, “If only I had spent more time at the office.”

Perhaps the key to happiness is to try to enjoy the everyday activities of life. Live in the moment. Experience whatever you happen to be doing to the fullest. When you eat, enjoy and savor every morsel of food. Chew it; delight in it. When you are engaged in a conversation with someone, look that person in the eye and listen to what they are saying. Cherish every moment with a loved one. Enjoy a sunrise; enjoy a sunset. Try to develop a habit of opening your eyes to all the beauty that nature has to offer. Even water coming out of a faucet has a musical quality if you attend to it. Develop a sense of gratitude for all the simple pleasures in life as well as the very special ones.

Yes, we will all die some day, but until that day comes, lets try to REALLY live!